Garden of the Gods

Went to the Garden of the Gods a few weeks back, I can see why the natives believed them to be magical. The giant red rocks cutting through the green of the Earth, the turquoise blue sky, I can see the hand of God work. The other thing I love about the Garden of the Gods is all the people you will see, people from all over the world. As you steal away from the groups of people you can picture an ancient people riding their horses down from the mountains. You almost hear the beating of drums and the sound of voices singing to their gods. You catch just the slightest hint of fires burning for both light and food.                                                                            

Can you imagine the awe the pioneers would have felt as they came across a land such as this? I wonder what they thought when they looked upon the jagged rocks. Or did they fear it thinking it was something bad or evil? Did they see it as a gift from God? Did they feel the way I do? 

When I look the Garden of the Gods, I realize just how small I am. When I start feeling sorry for myself I look at these rocks I understand that my problems are my own and though my problems may cause my world to come to a halt they don't have an effect on the world. The world continues to turn, time continues to march on and people continue to live their lives. We all have challenges, we all have to some trials in life but in the end what is going to matter the most? I have never heard of anybody being on their death bed wishing they had work more, had more money or bought more stuff. They regret not spending enough time with loved ones, making more memories and not laughing, loving and living enough.

My Story

Part 1
I wanted to share my story, everybody has one and this is mine. I guess we will start with the beginning and work our way to the end. As a kid I was the fat kid in school and had a last name with cow in it, yeah I heard them all! Kids can be so mean, from the start I had a hard time making friends. Many of the friends I did have were only there to use me or let me down when I needed them the most. I spent many lunch times by myself. I learn to be alone, I learned to rely on myself. One day I happened upon a cartoon about the bible. I had a ton of questions which I directed to my grandma. She answered my questions and invited me to attend church with her. I loved it I thought I had finally found a place where I could be accepted. At first it was true, then as I got older I started asking questions just trying to understand why we believed what we believed. The youth pastor would become frustrated when he couldn't answer my questions. So instead of trying to answer me he would put me down for asking questions he would get down right mean. During, this time at school I was in Jr. High and those mean kids grew into mean teenagers. Have you ever sat in the lunch room and feared eating because the kids would start mooing? I have. In every class there was someone putting me down. I hated going to school. Day after day I was overwhelmed with pure hatred and I couldn't understand why they hated me some much. I was bullied at both school and church and I was still looking for answers. My step sister was a member of a different church, the church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. I went to her for answers to my questions, not only did she answer my questions she would show me in the bible why she believed what she believed. I fell in love with her church almost from the beginning. Then she invited me too go with her which I happily accepted. Everything she taught me about the church just seemed right to me, it just made sense. She took me to my class she opened the door and there sat every one of my tormentors. At first I begged my sister to take me to her class but she said I had to go to my own class. It was funny to look at their faces they knew they were wrong. I wanted to continue to go to the LDS church but my dad wouldn't allow me too. I decided that if he wouldn't let me go to the church I wanted to go then I would make him regret it. I became a wild child getting into trouble, doing drugs, drinking and so on. As I got older I learned that this behavior was only hurting me. I started to clean myself up and then I had a "friend" use my name for a bunch of drug charges and felonies. A trip to juvenile hall and a close up look at how the legal system works, I figured out that these people weren't worth my time. Fast forward a few years and I was married with two kids. My step sister invited me over to meet the missionaries. A few weeks later me and my niece were being baptized on my 23rd birthday.

The Temple

Last week I had a chance to attend the temple for the first time, this was a goal that has taken me eight year to accomplish. I spent years making great gains followed by terrible set backs. I spend many years never feeling worthy enough to attend the temple. To be honest I still don't feel worthy but I learned that if I'm trying my hardest to follow Christ example and if I'm doing all I can then I'm worthy. I learn we don't perfect ourselves before the temple we perfect ourselves through the temple. Now many of the things that I took apart in that day I can not share because if we talked of such things outside of the temple they would no longer be special they would become common place. What I can tell you was the feelings I felt and what the Spirit of the Lord shared with me. I started off by feeling overwhelmed and nervous I was still struggling with feelings of unworthiness. On top of that was the fear of the unknown. Once arriving at the temple I became over came by the beauty of the temple. This gleaming white building standing before me, my eyes struggling to see it through the brightness of both the building and the sun. Inside I was welcome by workers who were kind and made sure that I was taken care of, they made the day go smoothly. I wasn't sure how smoothly things would go with me being an oxygen but they made it work. In the quite of the temple the Lord let me know that He was pleased with me and my efforts. I felt like I was in a dream, peace over took my mind I felt more relaxed than I could ever dream of being. In the temple I could put away the things of the world and just be. It was a wonderful day one I crave to do again and again.

Lesson's Learned From Nature.

We went hiking yesterday in Pike National Forest. We walked around lake Manitou, which is what the picture is, I saw many things yesterday but I learned many others. First, I learned that sometimes we need to just be quiet and listen, in the quiet moments things can become so much clearer. The second, thing I learned is that everybody and everything has a purpose in this world. God, made us all. He had a plan for all of us. The animal's never stop to wonder why they are here. They don't worry that they aren't good enough or pretty enough or smart enough. They don't think they are above doing the work they are doing. They just happily go and do. The fourth, thing I learned is we have to stop and smell the flowers.  

We get so caught up in the hustle of life, the none stop demands of life, that we forget to take a moment and just take a deep breath. We need to stop fearing the quiet and worrying about being the best and just listen. In that moment when you are standing completely still, listening to the the sounds of the natural world, the frog sing his song, the wind whistling through the tree's, the birds calling to each other, and maybe even the sound of water babbling by, that's when you can truly hear His words. As we were leaving we decided to drive a little deeper into the forest. Where we found the ruins of a forest fire, one that had scorched the land a few years ago. As we drove by there tons of tree's that were dead completely burnt but the grass was coming back and the were small tree's starting to grow. Out of the ashes new life was being to grow. Some tree's were completely burnt on one side and still green and very much alive on the other, that tree was learning how to adapt to what it had. So, the last thing, I learned yesterday was that when our life seems to have burnt down around us we need to remember to care for the new life that will grow out of the ashes. We need to stopping crying for what we don't have or complaining about what we can't do. We must learn to adapt to our new life and continue to grow.                                                       

Hero's

Hero's are important...now I'm not talking about celeberties I mean you need to find people who have faced your disease and overcame it. My grandma is one of my biggest hero's she was an amazing woman who loved her family and would do anything for them. She was strong and compassionate all at the same time. She didn't do anything "note worthy" she was just a house wife and mother. She didn't save the world but she was mine. My grandma was one of the constances in my life. No matter what I did or where I did she never stopped loving me. She would always say, "I will always love you but it doesn't mean that I have to like what you do." Family was her everything she didn't have dreams of traveling she was happy being surrounded by those she loved, the little kids always found a special place in her heart. I could always turn to her when I needed a kind ear or soft shoulder. No matter what went wrong in life her Faith in God never wavered. She never questioned anything He put in her life. When she was dianosed with breast cancer she was scarred but she was also determned that she would overcome this. She fought with all of her might doing everything the doctor's told her to do always praying to God asking to be healed if it was His plan. She never questioned "why me, God?" she never said "there must be no God because of what's happening" she knew God had a plan for her life and never once questioned His love for her. When she pronouced cancer free it was a great day indeed. Knowing that she had truely been given a gift, the gift of life, she didn't waste a single day. She made sure to spend time with her family, she pour over her bible daily, she prayed often and she was quick to forgive. It's hard to put into words just how awe inspiring she was too me. She to me was perfect, not in the way that she never did anything wrong, but perfect in the ways of the Lord.

 Then came that horrorible day when we found out the cancer had returned, it broke my heart to picture my life without my grandma in it. She was determined to live long enough so that my girl's would know her and remember her. In this she succeeded she lived for several years, enduring the effects of radiation and cemo just so she could have a few more years with her family. In the end the cancer spread to her lungs and the cemo wasn't working anymore. It was one of my biggest fear's to face my grandma's death. I sat in a hospital room and watched her die, in that moment I gained a testomny. Knew right then that there was indeed a God and that my grandma was being welcomed into His kingdom by those that she loved, who had went before her. I never saw fear, she knew where she would go and what a waited her. She had no regreats she had lived her life exactly how she want too. She had spent her time with her family,and she hadn't given into cancer. She always told me she wasn't dieing from cancer she was living with it. She died a hero's death, she died fighting a war against cancer, she was brave and strong and made sure we knew everyday just how much she loved us.  

6th Month Visit

Yesterday was my 6th month visit to my lung specialist my lung function has shown a slight improvement so I can try coming off of the immune suppressant meds. Which is cool. Then in 6 weeks I'll go back and as long as my lungs are good I get to stay off of those med's. So, here's hoping I can stay of off the med's because they can become toxic to your body after awhile. 
 Today is my birthday and spent the weekend with my family bowling which was very fun. I even got up there and bowled at great time was had by all. I don't know what my score was because it wasn't about winning or losing it was about being there in the moment having a good time. I refuse to let my disability take everything away from me I  know that there are things I won't ever be able to do again or in the same way but I will not allow it to put me on the sidelines.

Expires..........

Okay so now you been diagnosed with some scary sounding disease that you know can't be good. But before you completely give up go into the bathroom completely remove your clothes. Check all over your body I'm pretty sure you will not find something that says use before such and such date or expires on.... What is important is to make sure you live a full happy life. People anymore get so caught up in quantity of life and not the quality of life. I don't see the point in living until I'm 90 if I'm going to spend that time hooked up to machines and miserable. A lifetime in most ways is just a small amount of time why waste that time looking over your shoulder for death. Go out and do the things you want to do or enjoy doing. 

Search out the quiet

Some days are crazy and busy, because I'm not just a person with lung disease, I'm a mom with lung disease. I have to tween daughter's who have many places to go and things to do. Just because I'm dealing with a long term illness doesn't mean life stops, things continue to go on with or without me. I like to find some point in the day when I can shut down for a few minutes. Search out the quiet, turn off the distractions and wrap the peace around me. I take that time to take some deep, well as deep as I can, breath's, sometimes I use this time reflect on things that are troubling me, sometimes I turn my brain off just like the TV, other times I take this time to have a conversation with Heavenly Father or to read my scriptures. I'm not saying you should read the bible, though it couldn't hurt to find some spirituality, I'm saying take a few minutes turn off the TV or radio, turn the ringer down on the phones, walk away from the computer for a minute and there be silence. If it's nice outside go out and let the sun warm your face. Personally I love to go play in the rain in the Summertime. Sometimes I go to my room where it is always dark because sometimes I find even the light to be to loud and demanding. Sometimes, I have to lock myself in the bathroom with a hot bubble bath and a good book. The point is at some point in the day take a step back, let the silence catch you and let yourself be at peace.

Always Remeber to pack in extra oxygen...

Today we went to the Paint Mines out in Calhan. It was windy and cool but the beauty more than made up for the cold wind. One thing you will learn about when on oxygen is that wind makes it very difficult to breath in enough oxygen. We braved our way through the wind and made our way deeper into the cayon type land. We were greeted by bone white, golden yellow, and sunset red rocks. We also found several hoodoo's and some caves. Then once we made it to the bottom we walked along the dry creekbed. Were one would suddenly find themselves transported to another world. You could almost imagion that you were walking on the moon instead of here on Earth.
 The Paint Mines were used by the Native Americans to make paint for their clay pottery. Later on they were used by early settlers to make mud bricks for building houses. Not only that but you could see the layers of history 55 million years of life there.
 One the way out my oxygen tank ran out, another problem with wind, you don't notice you are out of oxygen until to late. The girls ran a head to get my extra tank from the car. I continued to will myself up the hill stopping to take brakes as I needed. These kind of moments can be super scary and if you don't keep your head you are going to end up having more problems. If you start freaking out you will just raise your heart rate and then end up sucking more oxygen that you don't have. You have to take slow breath's in through your nose and purse your lips as you breath out. Even though it was cold and we had the oxygen scare it was still a wonderful day. Hope to add some pictures soon.

Goal's set them and stick with them

Goal's are a good thing just don't get to upset with yourself if you end up needing a little more time. We can set goal's for ourselves, we can do things just because our bodies have new limitations doesn't mean we should give up and plant our butt's on the sofa and watch life tick by. It will and end the end you will be scared and begging for more time. Look tomorrow isn't promised to anybody and just because you have been diagnosed with lung disease or some other disease doesn't mean that your number is up now. "Don't go gently into that good-night instead fight against the dying of the light." You can't fight death it comes for us all but you can make the most out of the time you have. Some of the goal's I have set are to attend the temple for my work to be done and then to stand for my grandmother as her work is done. Another goal I have one that I'm hoping to do this year is to go to the top of Pikes Peak,this one will be done on the train and not by foot. I want to spend as much of this Summer doing things with my family, hiking, fishing, camping, visiting museums and so on. Find things you want to do call it goal's, a bucket list, whatever just set your goal's keeping in mind that not all of them maybe achievable or you might have to set sometime as longer term goal's. Do thing's that will bring you joy say sorry to that person you hurt, tell that special somebody you love them, go see the places you always wanted to see. Just don't give up, give a good fight and remember you aren't dying from lung disease or illness you are living with it. You are a fighter, you have declaired war on your illness and though you may not win all the battles you will be the victor in the end. Why? Because you lived, you loved, you got out and did the things you wanted to do. And in the end when death comes to your door you will gladly walk through that door knowing that you didn't give in that you didn't give up. You will know that you didn't waste your small twinkling of time.

That Overwhelmed Feeling....

Today like many days I'm having that overwhelmed feeling. I look at the house not completely a mess I know it can look better. My body on the other hand doesn't agree. I feel beat I'm not sure why I haven't done that much today. There are so many more things I hoped to do today I have been working on washing and putting away the laundry. So at least I have done something today and sometimes you have to celebrate the small victories instead of holding out for the big moments. Remember, to find ways to treat yourself for even the small things. Have a piece of chocolate, give yourself an hour with a good book, take a bubble bath or whatever. Just something to reward yourself for doing something, anything on those hard days when you really don't want to do anything. 

Weekend....

Yesterday we took a small hike around Bear Creek Nature Center, we ended up getting rained out. But it was nice to breath the fresh air and get the heart pumping just a bit. Then, we went to Drifter's to eat. These things are important you have to remember to slow down, we need days that we can spend with family. It's so easy to get wrapped up in the busy to- do list you need to find time just to be. Sometimes for me that's reading a book while soaking in a hot tubby. Other times it's getting out with the family building memories. Those are the things that don't go away, we forget the gift's we were given, money comes and it goes, candy doesn't last but happy memories last a lifetime.
 Sunday's are spent at church, that is my day where I can connect with Heavenly Father. Where I can renew my walk with the Lord. I can feel my light glow brighter and my soul is lighter. In my chest lingers the warmth, the Holy Ghost left to let me know that Jesus Christ died for my sins and He lives again. Sunday's are my day to learn what Heavenly Father has planned for my life. A quiet day where I can rest and find peace before the busy week. We all need to find a place or way that we can decompress. The weekend's are that way for me.

The Mountains are calling

The mountains are calling my name there is something about being in the mountains. I'm not sure I can explain it really but I'm going to give it a try. When we are head towards the mountains I can feel this ball of tension just leave my body. When I'm there everything goes away, there is no stress, no worry, just the sound of my shoes crunching on the gravel, the wind whistling through the tree's and creatures hidden scampering away. The world rights itself and I'm at peace, I can feel the Spirit of my Creater all around me. I can see His hand at work in all that surrounds me. In the mountains I can be me, the mountains don't care if I'm overweight, they aren't concerned with the fashions I do or don't wear and they don't care if I'm all gussied up or not. All the mountains care about is that I come by to visit them. They want me to hear the songs they sing. To see the sculptures they have craved from stone with wind and water. I have no words that can even begin to express the beauty of the mountains.

And then there are those days....

There are days when I have tons of energy and others were getting out of bed seems to physically demanding. I have had to learn how to put blinders on when I walk through my house. I was the type of person who cleaned my house from top to bottom everyday. Now there are days were things just don't get done. I have had to learn to accept that I had to learn that I can only do what I can when I can. Some days I have the energy just not the mental willpower to get things done. Some days just seem more overwhelming than others. I have had to learn how to ask and accept help, something I still struggle with to this day. I was raised that you never ask for help and if you have to then you don't ever look any farther than your own family. I have had to learn that asking for help doesn't mean that the disease has won. I have come to understand that I have to do things differently, I need to understand that I can't expect to be the way I was. It doesn't mean that I have gave in to my disease, it means that I'm not alone in my battle. We don't send one person to fight a war we send the entire army. We all have to learn our limitations we can try to overcome them or improve from them but first we have to know them. Rome wasn't built in a day so as a person with lung disease why do I think I can do it all in a day?
 Some days just getting out of the house seems just to much a hassle. When you are on oxygen there is no just running down the street. You have to be aware of where you are going, how long you plan to get there and how much oxygen you have. You always have to make sure you have back up just in case.
 There are days were just having to wear the oxygen around the house can be a real pain. The cannula, the tube that blows the oxygen in the nose, will get hung up on stuff all of the time. My kids and dogs are always tripping on mine causing it to rip off of my face and from behind my ears. It's not a pleasant feeling. I get the tubing hooked on things and not realize it until I almost break my neck. Vacuuming can be a pain in the butt, you have to keep your tube and the cord from getting a tangled together. And sucking the tube up in the vacuum isn't that fun either. Carrying laundry baskets can  prove to be a challenge all on their own, for one you have to make sure you don't trip and fall over your own cannula. Plus with the way my house is set up my cannula always gets hook around the dog's bowl's which isn't that bad when they aren't full of food and water. Have you ever slammed a door in your own face? I have, my cannula gets stuck under the door  and as I walk in or out of the room it slams the door shut.
 There are tons of things that keep us down but you can't give in or give up. It's hard I know. I have days were I just don't have the energy but I still make myself get up and do something, it might just be as simple as taking a shower but I did it. I got up I didn't just lay there I did something. Have plans in place for the days you know you are going to be tired if you have days were you have lot going on make sure you have quick fix meals in the freezer. Don't plan to clean the house and go grocery shopping all in one day. Find ways to do things in a easier way, don't feel ashamed to ask for help. Remember to break things down if them seem to overwhelming. Just don't give up. You will feel better about yourself if you do something, anything.

What makes me special?

So what makes so special? Why would anybody want to read about my life? Well, first of all I'm not special, never have thought of myself that way really, that's why I wanted to do this blog was just like everybody else. I was just an average Joe who was struggling to make it through life and really nothing has change. But that is the beauty of it,if I were some famous athlete or celebrity then the average person would be like, "Oh well, yeah she is doing all of this because she has all of these people to help or because she was already in really good health."  I'm not sure anybody will ever read this blog and if they don't that is okay I least put it out there and I won't have to wonder"what if". Do I think anybody cares about my story? Well no I don't really I'm not doing this so everybody can say oh poor o2 lady she has it so bad. To be honest I'm not really sure what to do or think when people show me pity. What I want to do is show people who are facing a life threatening disease that you don't have to just lay down and die.
 My step-dad struggled with bad health and lung disease for most if not in some part of his whole life. He was facing death the only thing that would save him was a lung transplant he put his name on the list and waited. He grew sicker and sicker all of the time, you could tell he was running out of time. He was always talking about the things he still wanted to do he wasn't ready to die. Then the day came when he got the call he was getting a new pair of lungs, he was getting his second chance at life. He would be able to do the things he had wanted to do. After the lung transplant he lived but he had no life. He was worried about rejection at even the slightest hint something was wrong he would work himself into a panic. As time went on he feared rejection more and more he stopped going places.He started staying locked up in his house. He became more and more fearful not of just rejection but life in general. Then it happened he went into rejection and this time there was no second chance. He didn't want to face death he wanted more time but he wasted the time he had been given. He wanted to be put on the transplant list again. But his heart wasn't up to the task and he ended up having to face the death he feared so much. That's why I refuse to waste the time I have been giving. I'm not going to lay down and cry about the time I'm going to lose. I'm going to get out there enjoy the time I have make the most of what I got. I wanted make memories with my family, see the places I want to see and do the things I wanted to do. Now because of the oxygen there are a lot of places I won't be able to go to but that is okay. I'll do what I can when I can.

And it starts....

Well, I guess I'll start this by introducing myself, I'm a 30 year old mother of two daughter's. I have been married for 12 years to my loving husband. I live in Colorado and have all of my life, I love it here. I always loved getting out in the mountains, hiking, fishing or just hanging out. Almost 3 years ago I started having trouble my chest felt tight and I would get short of breath easily. My heart felt like would jump right out of my chest you could see my neck pulsate. I went to the doctor think I was coming down with an upper respiratory infection. But all he could find was that my blood pressure was high. He put me on some meditation to help with the problem and wanted me to monitor my blood pressure at home see if he could find a reason or pattern. The med's never really helped and the shortness of breath continued to be a problem I started missing more and more work because I was just so exhausted. When I did make it to work I would have to come in early so that I could recover from the walk into the hospital I worked for. I felt like I was always on the verge of passing out, I could see clearly but there was blackness and star burst on the side of my vision. I started struggling with words I couldn't remember things I was struggling to stay just above water. My hands were dark red, then purplish and towards the end the finger tips were blackish. I continued this way for about three months when I couldn't take it anymore I woke up from a nap and still felt exhausted. My husband became panicked when the entire bottom half of my face had turned blue. We took the kids to my mother's house and dropped them off with her. Then we headed into the emergency department, they checked my oxygen levels they were at 70% and five minutes later they dropped to 40%. They quickly put me on oxygen and rushed us to a room. Then came the whirlwind being rushed from one test to another. Then nothing...we sat in that room for hours. Every now and then they would come in a turn the oxygen down. Then they came in and turned it off and with minutes I was back were I started. They decided to admit me while they tried to figure out what was going on.... they thought it was asthma and work it's self out with the oxygen. Two days later I was released with no really answers they still didn't know what was going on so they sent me home with the oxygen and had me follow up with my regular doctor. Months went by they ran every test they could think of they tried several things but nothing work. After months of testing and trying they sent me to the University Hospital were they finally got me stabilize. They still don't really know what kind of lung disease I have how or why I got or what to do about it. I did a lot research when I first became ill and most sites I found said that people who waited as long as I did to get treatment were put in ICU and most of those didn't ever make it out of there. That is when I decided I wouldn't lay down and let this kill me... I would keep fighting not just by going to the doctor and working with the treatments but I would find ways to get out and enjoy the things I had enjoyed before. Not everyday is a good day some days I struggle to do the smallest amount. But I continue to push forward because I don't want to go to my death bed with tons of regrets I know we all must have some and there are alot of those that because of my health I never be able to do but why not make the most out the ones I can do. Well, guess that's a good start for today.