Don't take it so personal

 Here lately there has been a lot of talk about beliefs and religion. And for anybody who doesn't know, I'm a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints also known as the Mormon church. My faith is something very personal to me mostly because they were something I had to fight for, I wanted to join the church when I was teenager but my father wouldn't allow it. When, I finally join as an adult I had to endure my family's disapproval of my choice. I had to deal with the people I loved and who were supposed to love me say every closed-minded comments about the church I had picked to attend. Some came around and if nothing else accepted that it was my choice other's never did come around. When you have to fight that hard for your belief's they become very personal, you become very passionate about them. That's why I hate when somebody says something hurtful about my belief's then tells me, " don't take it so personal". Because to me it is personal! I just don't understand why I wouldn't take it personal? Everybody has something that they are passionate about, belief's that define them, morals that they live their life by.

I could just kick myself !!!

Have you ever done something that you knew almost right away was wrong? What do you do? Do you beat yourself up? Do you blow it off and just pretend that you didn't do it? It's easy to just pretend something didn't happen when no body saw it. Who knows? Who does it hurt? We tell ourselves that nobody knows so it's okay. It can be something simple like sneaking a piece of cake when nobody is looking even though we are trying to make healthier choices. Or it might be something bigger like stealing something, watching something we shouldn't watch. So, what do we do? Should we live a life of shame or should we ask God to forgive us and then forgive ourselves? Is it okay to give ourselves a break? Is it okay to slip? Yes, is the answer when its something small like cheating on our diet. But is yes always the right answer?

Can you see me? Can you hear me ?

 Some days, I feel invisible. I try so hard to be kind, I work hard to fit in but I still don't feel like I'm a part of the group. Do you know what it feels like to say something and have other's not only ignore what you have said but to carry on their own conversation. There are days where I wonder if I even exist.

 I have my family and my close friends but sometimes I still feel alone. It doesn't always feel good to stick out. Sometimes when you stick out you are ignored or not liked because you do stick out. I just want to have friends that we can have dinners with, play games with or go do things with.

The New Year ~2012

 So, today is the New Year, a day people reflect on the past year and their lives. A day were many set resolutions, some decide its time for a diet, others feel that this is the perfect time to quit smoking or maybe drinking, other's decide this time/this year they are going to try new things or find true love. I have never been one to set resolutions mostly because I know that many times I set unreal expectations for myself. I think that is something we all do, I'm gonna go on a diet and exercise everyday. Then you want to go out to eat with friends or you decide to pick up some burgers on the way home. You decide a little slip on the diet is okay as long as you "work" it off the next day. The next morning it's cold outside or raining or whatever and you decide missing one day won't hurt. But we all know that once you start to slip it's all down hill.
 That's why this year I'm making promises to myself, things I want to work on or improve for or about myself. This year I'm going to try to stay positive and not let the day to day things get to me. I'm going to treat everyday like the gift it truly is, a gift from God. This year I'm going to try harder to read my scriptures everyday even though it is hard and frustrating. The old English style is hard for me to understand and read do to my learning problems. But I know even though it's slow and extremely hard for me reading my scriptures will bring me nothing but blessings. This year I will attend the temple as much as possible. It took me years to work my way to the temple, I spent years with the desire to attend the temple and now I can do it so I need too.
 I will try to spend more time as a family by having family home evening and family dinners. Dinners were we sit around the table eating and talking. I want my children to look back with love and fondness. I also want to be a better member of The Church of Latter Day Saints, I want people to see me as a positive example of what my church stands for and what I stand for. I also want to be a better person. I want to be less judgemental, more understanding, more caring and kind.

Garden of the Gods

Went to the Garden of the Gods a few weeks back, I can see why the natives believed them to be magical. The giant red rocks cutting through the green of the Earth, the turquoise blue sky, I can see the hand of God work. The other thing I love about the Garden of the Gods is all the people you will see, people from all over the world. As you steal away from the groups of people you can picture an ancient people riding their horses down from the mountains. You almost hear the beating of drums and the sound of voices singing to their gods. You catch just the slightest hint of fires burning for both light and food.                                                                            

Can you imagine the awe the pioneers would have felt as they came across a land such as this? I wonder what they thought when they looked upon the jagged rocks. Or did they fear it thinking it was something bad or evil? Did they see it as a gift from God? Did they feel the way I do? 

When I look the Garden of the Gods, I realize just how small I am. When I start feeling sorry for myself I look at these rocks I understand that my problems are my own and though my problems may cause my world to come to a halt they don't have an effect on the world. The world continues to turn, time continues to march on and people continue to live their lives. We all have challenges, we all have to some trials in life but in the end what is going to matter the most? I have never heard of anybody being on their death bed wishing they had work more, had more money or bought more stuff. They regret not spending enough time with loved ones, making more memories and not laughing, loving and living enough.

My Story

Part 1
I wanted to share my story, everybody has one and this is mine. I guess we will start with the beginning and work our way to the end. As a kid I was the fat kid in school and had a last name with cow in it, yeah I heard them all! Kids can be so mean, from the start I had a hard time making friends. Many of the friends I did have were only there to use me or let me down when I needed them the most. I spent many lunch times by myself. I learn to be alone, I learned to rely on myself. One day I happened upon a cartoon about the bible. I had a ton of questions which I directed to my grandma. She answered my questions and invited me to attend church with her. I loved it I thought I had finally found a place where I could be accepted. At first it was true, then as I got older I started asking questions just trying to understand why we believed what we believed. The youth pastor would become frustrated when he couldn't answer my questions. So instead of trying to answer me he would put me down for asking questions he would get down right mean. During, this time at school I was in Jr. High and those mean kids grew into mean teenagers. Have you ever sat in the lunch room and feared eating because the kids would start mooing? I have. In every class there was someone putting me down. I hated going to school. Day after day I was overwhelmed with pure hatred and I couldn't understand why they hated me some much. I was bullied at both school and church and I was still looking for answers. My step sister was a member of a different church, the church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. I went to her for answers to my questions, not only did she answer my questions she would show me in the bible why she believed what she believed. I fell in love with her church almost from the beginning. Then she invited me too go with her which I happily accepted. Everything she taught me about the church just seemed right to me, it just made sense. She took me to my class she opened the door and there sat every one of my tormentors. At first I begged my sister to take me to her class but she said I had to go to my own class. It was funny to look at their faces they knew they were wrong. I wanted to continue to go to the LDS church but my dad wouldn't allow me too. I decided that if he wouldn't let me go to the church I wanted to go then I would make him regret it. I became a wild child getting into trouble, doing drugs, drinking and so on. As I got older I learned that this behavior was only hurting me. I started to clean myself up and then I had a "friend" use my name for a bunch of drug charges and felonies. A trip to juvenile hall and a close up look at how the legal system works, I figured out that these people weren't worth my time. Fast forward a few years and I was married with two kids. My step sister invited me over to meet the missionaries. A few weeks later me and my niece were being baptized on my 23rd birthday.

The Temple

Last week I had a chance to attend the temple for the first time, this was a goal that has taken me eight year to accomplish. I spent years making great gains followed by terrible set backs. I spend many years never feeling worthy enough to attend the temple. To be honest I still don't feel worthy but I learned that if I'm trying my hardest to follow Christ example and if I'm doing all I can then I'm worthy. I learn we don't perfect ourselves before the temple we perfect ourselves through the temple. Now many of the things that I took apart in that day I can not share because if we talked of such things outside of the temple they would no longer be special they would become common place. What I can tell you was the feelings I felt and what the Spirit of the Lord shared with me. I started off by feeling overwhelmed and nervous I was still struggling with feelings of unworthiness. On top of that was the fear of the unknown. Once arriving at the temple I became over came by the beauty of the temple. This gleaming white building standing before me, my eyes struggling to see it through the brightness of both the building and the sun. Inside I was welcome by workers who were kind and made sure that I was taken care of, they made the day go smoothly. I wasn't sure how smoothly things would go with me being an oxygen but they made it work. In the quite of the temple the Lord let me know that He was pleased with me and my efforts. I felt like I was in a dream, peace over took my mind I felt more relaxed than I could ever dream of being. In the temple I could put away the things of the world and just be. It was a wonderful day one I crave to do again and again.